The Kind Truth - how can we move from restrained to open feedback?
A leader friend of mine recently asked me, "What can I do to be a better leader?" My simple answer was, "Tell the kind-truth more." Somehow, the cultural norm has become "Minnesota nice" when we are together but "New York Blunt" when we are grumbling to someone else. Often our significant others are the ones who hear the real feedback.
If couched well, could sharing our views be the difference maker in team performance?
Is it possible that kindness and conflict go hand-in-hand?
Kindness is best defined as being so empathetic to other’s needs, that you treat them how you would want to be treated if you were in their shoes.
When I was in Europe leading an organization, one of my oddly favorite routines was listening to the staff feedback. We had several on our team whose family originated from various countries around the Mediterranean – meaning, Greek, Italian, Spanish, and French. At first, I was shocked at how frank each of them could be. Their observations were not disguised as if from someone else or anything like passive aggressiveness. It was direct and to the point and hit me like a bucket of cold water. My first instinct was to ask, "Who do they think they are!!??" When I reflected, I realized there was merit to their thoughts and that they were helping by providing me with a point of view I desperately needed. It became normal for us to engage in lively debates but never to degrade into a personal attack, because we had a deep trust in one another.
For the Leader, how we process what we are hearing and seeing is critical because it will shape our core beliefs (that are the basis of our decisions). We have to lead our organizations into a place where feedback can happen so that we can make the most informed decisions. We should even let it lead into conflict if needed.
A Debt to Conflict
When we don't share the truth, we create conflict debt. What happens is that over time, that debt will manifest itself in other ways by either lowering trust or lashing out between us. My colleague, Marcel Brunel, describes each of us as having an emotional bank account and that we are living in an emotional economy. The better I feel about you emotionally, the more willing I will be to transact in a high amount of trust (for those in Sales they already know this as the key to a "buy"). When we rack up debts emotionally, we slow our ability to trust AND to be trusted. So where does that leave us? We have to deliver feedback, but how do we do it?
The Kind Truth
My ideal and model leader was documented to be full of "grace and truth." This means that as the Leader, I can be 100% Kind and 100% Truthful at the same time. It seems impossible, but what we are often lacking are the tools to engage it. How can I say something that seems negative while making sure the person is safe?
Concentrate on these steps:
Give your face and eyes to the person directly.
Mentally concentrate on how much you care about the other person and why.
Be plain and don't couch the discussion with flattery or spin – losing authenticity loses trust.
Say it in a way that if you heard this said to you, even though it might sting you wouldn't perceive an attack.
Find a way to indicate that you “for” the other person.
Now, we are not talking about police interrogations or dealing with criminals. We are dealing with how we interact inside of our organization. However, when trust is high, the less you'll need to concentrate on points 4 and 5. The better you get, the more you'll just do points 1 and 2.
How do we enter into the sharing?
All this feedback sharing should be done according to the amount of trust that exists. Do you know how much trust you have with someone? Try asking them, “What's the best feedback I've ever given you?” The quality of their answer correlates to the amount of trust you have.
The more transparent I can be in truth while being kind, the healthier a team, or organization.With this standard, the motivation is clear.I want us (this team, unit, business, organization, etc.) to be at the highest functioning level.So, I resist the thought that constantly giving everyone ear candy will lead to a healthy high performing team.I also resist believing that the only answer is to be highly critical.The sweet spot is the Kind Truth.