The Stories We Tell

A couple were zipping down the freeway while chatting and catching up on the week. As they were about to merge and take the off-ramp, traffic suddenly slowed and then stopped. Craning their necks to see around the cars in front of them, they noticed that it looked like everyone else in the city was also getting off at this very same off-ramp.  So, they settled in to wait their turn while slowly inching towards the exit.  After some time had passed with little progress, the backlog finally began to move, and a space opened up between them and the car just in front of them. Just then, out of nowhere, a car swooped right into the open space, cutting them off and nearly clipping their car.

The husband slammed on the breaks and exclaimed, "What a jerk! I hate it when people skip the line and jump in like that! He could have hit us! It's dangerous!"

"Does that story help you?" his wife asked. 

“What do you mean?” he asked.

"In other words, when you tell yourself that story is it filling you up or draining you? Could there be another way to tell that story and it still be true?  Perhaps the driver is late for his daughter's recital or even worse, maybe his mother just called, and his father is in the hospital with mere hours to live?  If either of these scenarios were true, would it make a difference?"

When I've asked that question, “Is there another way to tell that story?”,  as someone is retelling a story about a disagreement, disappointment or difficulty in general, it always resets the conversation.  And when I turn this questions on myself, it always hits me right between the eyes because I know that what I tell myself will either give or take away from my results as a leader. The leader’s mood impacts the performance of the whole.

Am I getting what I want from this story?

Why?  Because the body follows where our tongue leads.  In other words, when I recount a story with anger, vitriol, and disappointment, I set myself up for a sour mood.  By doing this, I've lost energy and focus, and it has a lingering effect. Even when the foul mood dissipates, it's only a memory away from being brought back to the surface.

Let me explain another way.  Take Kombucha, for example. What story do you tell yourself when you hear the word Kombucha? For me, I immediately think, “That stuff is repulsive!” With this thought, I am immediately steering my psychology and physiology to reject this (disgusting) health drink. But, if I were to tell myself a different story – no matter what my first impression was – like “When I drink this, not only is it making me healthy, but it is also going to make me feel great,” I am changing the narrative and my mindset. By staying focused on the benefits when drinking Kombucha, my body will eventually learn to tolerate it and even crave it because of how it makes me feel.

Changing the story that we tell ourselves is powerful and absolutely essential when we don’t have all the facts. By jumping to the worst-case scenario, we do ourselves (and often others) harm. It serves me better no matter who I'm dealing with to hold them innocent until proven guilty.  Leaning towards Innocence allows for a story to guard your heart and mind while investigation happens.

You might worry, "but how will I hold someone accountable if I am always giving them the benefit of the doubt?"  Accountability has to happen, and you hold someone accountable by first raising the concern but by saving judgment until the whole story is known. Then once resolved, make sure the story you tell will serve you so that you have no lingering effect. 

For instance, that board member who treated you so poorly that you left your dream role, the family member that abused you, the business partner who cheated you – could we change the story so that we aren't trying to digest the poison of bitterness?

In the wake of these terrible events, will you issue trust again?  Maybe, maybe not, but either way, the story you tell yourself must focus on the positive.

The story I’m telling is impacting my outcomes  

We all know by experience that when we harbor a negative story (in our minds or externally), we lose our ability to be at our best physically and mentally.   Our perspectives – positive or negative – will shape our beliefs and how we lead in the world around us. Bitterness without a release will blow up. This is why there is such power in forgiveness – even before it's been asked for.

Use these three steps to take control of the story:

1.   Ask yourself, is this story serving me and giving me what I want?

2.   In the absence of absolute, irrefutable information, always tell the most generous story possible.

3.   If after evidence proves the situation is bad, confront it, resolve it, and change the story again by looking for the positive.  Do this as quickly as possible.

With awareness and intentional practice, we can shape the narrative of our stories to give us the best mindset as leaders. This change in practice and perspective isn't a walk in the park, but the payoff is huge because a leader’s outlook impacts the performance of the whole team.